Monday, June 11, 2012

The Top Ten Awesomest Things About Not Being Pregnant

10.  You can bend down without grunting, groaning, or uttering an obscenity that is decidedly inappropriate for your three year old's ears.

9.  You can drink a liter of Diet Mountain Dew, a Capri Sun, AND a glass of wine, and ONLY THEN will you have to go pee.

8.  You can get dressed without pulling on a repulsive pair of granny support hose in 103 degree weather.

7.  You no longer have to worry that every odd pang you feel means that your baby is going to be born prematurely with three heads.

6.  Oh the Places You'll Shave!

5.  Pinot Noir.

4.  The days of being a mobile science experiment - what is she having?  when will she detonate? - are finally over.

3.  You look in the mirror and suddenly see shades of your pre-pregnancy self, and dare to think that maybe, maybe, you will look like a non-pregnant person again - someday.

2.  Walking:  so much chicer than waddling.

1.  The gorgeous perfect wee newborn you're holding has an amazing (albeit dangerous) ability to instantaneously erase nine months' memories of discomfort, worry, bone-crushing fatigue, and swollen nether regions.  Dang her.

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