Thursday, April 5, 2012

Where I Tear Gwynnie Another One

Gwynnie.  Oh, Gwynnie, Gwynnie, Gwynnie.  You may be a six foot tall glamazon, richer than Croesus, married to a rock star, and may have never gotten within a mile of a gram of refined sugar in your life.  But your latest Goop, for the mother-to-be?  What, Gwynnie?  You were pregnant, once, twice - six years ago?  With an unlimited bank account, nannies, chefs and personal trainers at your disposal?  I'm afraid, Gwynnie, that while you might be able to rock a Tom Ford gown at the Oscars or work out ten hours per day, on the subject of pregnancy and childbirth for the rest of us, I am going to have to tear your little newsletter apart.

Sorry, sweetie.  Here goes: 

For the nursery, you recommend an Oeuf Eco Friendly crib for $940, and a Oeuf Changing table for $1,150.  REALLY?  Over two thousand smackers for a couple of pieces of baby furniture?  If I bought that stuff, we'd have to forgo groceries for the rest of the mouths we have to feed for a year.  And for a CHANGING table?  Those things are so dang awkward.  If I had to walk to a designated room every 23 minutes to change a blowout, I would log about 800 miles on a pedometer.  The floor where I happen to be is WAY easier, Gwynnie.

Oh, and LINEN bassinet sheets?  To be coated every hour by creamy white baby puke and flyaway diarrhea?  I do my OWN laundry, Gwynnie.

For "guidance and inspiration," you recommend a book, The Gentle Birth Method.  Apparently this book encompasses "diet, gentle exercise tips, Reflexology, Creative Healing, Reiki, visualization, emotional preparation and more" to avoided the dreaded C-SECTION!   Oh no, the C-Section.  Sure, you shouldn't take major surgery lightly, especially if you can push that butterball baby out on your own.  But I suspect, Gwynnie, that when you gave birth vaginally, you didn't push for FIVE hours only to have a mere 6 pounder suctioned out of you.  Your baby didn't look like a cone-headed Teletubby for a week after birth.  And I suspect your second baby didn't just get....STUCK.  In these cases, a C-Section is the most awesomest medical procedure in the world, and reflexology sure ain't going to change the fact that some of us just don't have the birth canals to launch that baby out.  MMMM K?

$200 J Brand maternity jeans?  Sure, I'd love some too, but I still need to afford clothing AFTER the baby is born. 

And all this schlock about using natural, organic products during pregnancy?  Well, maybe you wouldn't want to take a bubble bath in formaldehyde, or subsist on paraben-and-sulfate smoothies.  But if such innocuous beauty treatments like USING PERFUME or RED LIPSTICK were actually harmful to a gestating fetus, whole swaths of Beverly Hills and the Upper East Side would have ceased to exist long, long ago, their populations decimated by lipstick-crazed mothers-to-be.

OK, Gwynnie, I'm done.  Still friends?  You stick to the red carpet, your Tracy Anderson workouts, and your juice fasts.  Leave the pregnancy newsletter for the masses to me.

1 comment:

Heather Davis said...

I agree! Completely out of touch with those of us (you) in the pregnancy and baby trenches!

Now, what's your take on pre-chewing food, a la Alicia Silverstone? Did you chew your little S's chicken nuggets on Tuesday for her? ;)