Friday, March 30, 2012

Review Lesson 1, What Not to Say to a Pregnant Woman

Just in case you a) have never been pregnant, b) have forgotten what it's like to be pregnant, or c) derive sick pleasure in kicking a gestating female the size of a teenage rhino when she's down, here is a review of what you really shouldn't say to someone whose wildly fluctuating hormones are clouding her ability to think straight:

"Gee whiz, your pregnancy is going by so fast!"  (Um, are you pulling on compression hose every sweaty freaking morning, and finding that you can't sleep at night because the gravitational force of your tummy is pulling you down through your bed to the center of the earth?)

"You look a lot BIGGER with this pregnancy!"  (This is akin to asking a non-pregnant person if she is on the Cheesecake and Crisco diet.  Just.  Don't. Say. This!)

"How do you DO it?"  (I really don't know.  I cry every day?  When you ask me this question it makes me feel like I either have really low standards or a really pitiable existence.)

"You look like you're going to pop!"  (Don't jinx me, s'il vous plait.  If I pop right now, I would have a very premature baby.  Please don't worry a pregnant chick prone to imaginative neuroses any more than she already is, or I will sit on you.)

"You just can't keep up with those kids these days, can you!"  (No, not when they're riding bikes at 35 miles per hour.  You try running with a large pumpkin between your legs -  one of which is mottled with lumpy blue like a topographical map of the Himalayas.)


"You look great!"  (OK, OK, you can say this, but I'll know you're lying.)

***

So my latest article on how to combat a mom funk is up at Tulsa Kids. Fortunately my own very long - LONG - mom funk has started to lift. The spring weather has helped; getting out of town - even to BRANSON - helped; looking forward to a long Northwest trip this summer has helped. Being busy with stuff - in a good way - has helped me not to focus on all the gripes I have with this town. And the little hope that maybe, maybe, this isn't forever has helped, too.

You may not want to talk to me when we get BACK from Nordstromland, however.

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