Sunday, February 28, 2010
Saturday, February 27, 2010
Anyhoo, for Lent I decided to give up 1) chocolate and 2) danish (Wal Mart makes two good things: one is their cream cheese danish, the other is their cinnamon toast. So if you're low carb, you don't even have to go through the doors. Just run away.). And I would say the rosary at church, go to confession, and drag my children to the Stations of the Cross.
Well, my friends, I think I got to about noon on Ash Wednesday before I HAD to have a piece of chocolate. And the next morning I could not RESIST a little piece of danish. My pathetic rationalization? Well, Jesus wasn't PREGNANT when he was in the dessert. If he had been, I'm sure the apostles would have been running McChickens, milkshakes and Cheez Its to him 24/7.
But really, I HAVE had to give up booze, ciggies, Nyquil, cocaine, freebasing, crystal meth and my Tuesday night gang bangs. To give up ONE MORE THING is really asking a lot. Isn't it? Right?
Just ANOTHER topic to add to my ever-growing confession list.
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Saturday, February 20, 2010
This, my friends, is the REPUBLIC DROPSHIP WITH AT-OT WALKER. For ages 14 and up! For $249.99! Rory has obsessively, lovingly, caressed its page in the Lego catalog every night before bed. Santa did not get this for him, because hello! Ages 14 and up! And $249.99! But one night in early January, in a fit of maternal indulgence, I told him: "Rory, if you can save up $100, I will buy it for you." Thinking, ha! He can't save up that much money!
Well, I gravely underestimated this determined little guy. He has relentlessly and purposefully done chores every day since our "deal." True, some of the rates he was paid were a bit inflated at times - think 1995 in Silicon Valley - $2 for mopping the garage? $1 to pick up 8 toys in the game room? - but quarter by quarter, dollar by dollar, he finally arrived at $100 this week. So I ordered the darn thing - $292 with tax and shipping! - and we tracked the package vigilantly. Yesterday it was "Out for Delivery," so Rory donned his coat and waited in the driveway for the package guy. The screams of delight when poor Mr. UPS arrived were ALMOST worth the freaking $300.
And then he woke up at 5:15 am this morning to work on it.
Ugh. Sure, babies can melt your heart, but who knew little boys meticulously assembling Star Wars monstrosities could too? I hope I am not such a susceptible sucker when he asks for a little Beamer for his 16th birthday.
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Monday, February 15, 2010
Friday, February 12, 2010
Sunday, February 7, 2010
Aren't they breathtaking, in a kick-arse, take-no-prisoners way? But where, o where, would I wear them? Kiddie soccer practice? Kindermusik? Piano lessons? The 2nd grade Valentine's party?
Who am I kidding. I'd wear them to all of those places and then to BED if I actually owned them.
Saturday, February 6, 2010
Why, people? The cover of ARCHITECTURAL DIGEST? Can we not escape All Things Aniston? Listen, I am sure she is a lovely person. And she IS very pretty. My thighs will not be that taut, my teeth not that white, my highlights not that golden, when I'm 40. 41 now! But assuming we are over the Friends thing, has she done anything really noteworthy since maybe....Office Space (which would have been good with any cute, pert, lovely twenty-something)? Is there any great intellect, or passion, or wit, or fire behind all that toned and tasteful blondeness?
And it drives me bonkers when these fawning magazine editors laud celebrities' "good taste." HUH? I would have really great taste, too, if I could hire a designer and a phalanx of consultants to rip apart and painstakingly reconstruct my Beverly Hills mansion-on-a-hill. And fill it with antique baubles and Italian marble and redwood wainscoting...
Ah, I'm just jealous, yes. But don't you think you or me should be on the cover of Architectural Digest instead: "Harried Mom In Her Not-So-New-Home Somehow Manages to Hang a Facsimile of Artwork On the Wall Despite Multiple Attempts to Knock It Off With Nerf Footballs"?
Now THAT would be a noteworthy story.
Friday, February 5, 2010
Of all my boys, he is by far the most "social." The family ham. Keane is the neurotic, academic drama queen; Rory, the brooding introvert; but Will is Most Likely to Be Voted Fraternity President, or Most Likely to Star In a Remake Of Caddyshack. He loves to regale us about his "bad dreams," which involve Will the protagonist killing monsters! And bad guys! And crocodiles! And hitting them! And throwing poop at them! (It's hard to promote pacifism in a home with so much testosterone. We'll attempt the concept of "just war" at a later date, don't worry.)
Will has finally wanted to master that pinnacle of male development, peeing while standing up. Which of course I must encourage, since I don't believe sitting down would go over well in the 8th grade locker room. I'm not sure if my first two boys were exceptionally GOOD aimers, or if Will is an exceptionally BAD aimer, but my GAWD. He pulls the step stool over to the potty, and triumphantly shoots all over the wall, the potty seat, his legs, the floor...everywhere but the potty bowl. And I stand by rather helplessly, cheering him on, while trying to ascertain how long it's going to take me to attack the bathroom with Lysol. I think I must be missing some lately, since the powder room is starting to smell like a line of urinals at a sports bar during the playoffs.
Eh. They say urine is sterile, right?
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
For instance: just yesterday I got my big order of PVT-approved lingerie. Of course, to take advantage of free shipping on orders over $100, I threw in a few baubles to try on. This being one of them:
So seduced was I by the pretty coral color that I neglected to notice all that drapey fabric in the front. The result on my dwarfish frame: I looked pregnant with a pair of wrestling boa constrictors. REVOLTING, my friends.
And then, my dear friend Kappa Kappa Karen (who continues to get me into trouble by emailing me the latest kiddie trunk shows in town) sent me this atrocity:
What IS that? Doesn't it look like something one of the disciples of Jesus Christ wore after a bad ankle sprain?
So, my friends, even Nordstrom can fail you on occasion. DRAMATICALLY. Luckily you have me to shake you to your senses. You're welcome.